Alicia Lopez’s Musings

Posts Tagged ‘passing away

It’s really a few more days until March, but I have a lot of thoughts in my head that I thought I would put down in writing.

The signs of spring are beginning to show up in our mountain village; it’s not as cold as it has been, and believe it or not, some of my annuals are beginning to sprout; they are brave little souls, tempting the fates of weather.

I’m a little sad today, received the news that two of my old friends from El Paso had passed away to a better life. These two were originally my hubby’s pals, having all attended Bowie High School together, and graduating in the class of 1944. It was when young men were being drafted almost as soon as they got their diplomas; so they were separated by war. A few from that class did not make it back.

Life and circumstances intervened, but they kept in touch. When the high school reunions were in full swing, they met again, to plan their 45th and then their 50th. This was when I made my entrance into that selected list of Bowie Bears, an Austin High School Panther who, by osmosis, turned into a Bear.

We joined in full swing to get the reunions going, and for many years after, still met as a group and planned outings. We even went camping, and for some, it was a first. What fun we had!

Of course, all things slowed down as Father Time intervened; we managed a few luncheon get togethers when we visited our old home town. My hubby’s death slowed events even more; I still saw them once in a while, but fewer and fewer “osos” showed up.

So it was with great sadness that I learned of their deaths; Bobby, the greatest Sinatra and baseball fan, and Pepe, a golfer who enjoyed the camaraderie of others at the golf course when he could no longer play.

I know they have all met again in heaven, to continue their everlasting friendships in that forever land.

Adios, Osos Canosos

Hasta la Vista

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Today marks the twenty first month since my hubby’s passing.

It is the beginning of a ritual of counting months that started on that day.  I thought that if I could survive that first month, I would be on my way of learning to live alone.  It has been a very long process, and sometimes I wondered if I could make it.

The human body and mind has a resilience unmatched by none.  In the face of adversity and loss, it is still able to function, albeit at a lesser pace, but function it does. Look at me, twenty one months later I am still around, and still kicking.  The sense of loss never leaves, but I have learned to live with it.

I have learned that I can still share thoughts and ideas with my hubby, in the silence of  our home which we both loved, and which is filled with memories; the Greek fishermen’s caps which he wore constantly, his collection of music, even his eyeglasses which he kept by our bed,on a funny big nose stand.

When I leave the house, those memories stay behind, to be supplemented by normal everyday occurances.  My job keeps me busy, my mind expands with the meeting of new people, and new occurances.  I have never lost my sense of humor, but it seems to be rejuvenating.

I look forward to the coming holidays; our village has begun to decorate the main street with dazzling silver boughs and the local merchants have placed the white shimmering lights on their stores, and as the song goes, “It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas”.

For the first time in several years, I will have my three sons here with me for  this weekend; only the sons without my daughters in law .  It will be different, but nice. 

Next week, my daughter, son in law, and grandson from Dallas will be here for the Thanksgiving holiday,  the son who lives here and my small grandson will be present also; my cup runneth over.

The past holidays are just that, past and gone.  Time marchs on, and I have to march along with it.  So, start those drum rolls, begin the beat, and watch me strut.

Hasta la Vista

Have you ever come to a crossroads in your life, pausing and looking right and left, wondering which road is your destiny?

I have come to that exact spot and am a little “bothered and bewildered” as the song states.  My predicament stems from the question , should I sell my house and move back to my hometown of El Paso, or should I stay and brave the loneliness, and uncertainty of my life as it stands now?

My husband and I loved our life here in Ruidoso, but since his death I have found myself doubting my existence in this beautiful peace of earth.  I visit my children in Dallas and El Paso, and love my stay there, but the missing link is still back home among the peaceful pines.  I miss the calm, the serenity, the beauty and my house; but most of all, I miss my hubby.  Would it be different anywhere else?  It has been seventeen months since his passing, and each day brings me closer to that decision.  Financially, I would be better off by selling, but spiritually, I’m not sure.

I have spent the last few weeks painting and sprucing up the house, with the help of the son who lives here.  My biggest regret in selling would be leaving him here; he has taken his Dad’s place as my handyman, and  daily support system.

The house has not been put up for sale, but word of mouth has brought several people to see it.  Hope is eternal, and if it is God’s will, then it will happen.  I place myself at his mercy.

The weather has been wonderful, we are getting some rain almost every day, so the forest is at its pristine best.  The days are cool, the temperature drops about 20 degrees after the moisture from heaven, so when I see the weather reports from around the country, I am so happy I am at this place at this time .

My hometown beckons to me, I have two sisters there, a son, and countless livelong friends; I also have my hubby at the Fort Bliss National Cemetary.  Here in the cool pines I have many acquaintances, but very few friends.   Do you see my predicament?

Hasta La Vista

Almost the entire world believes that the New Year starts on January 1.  I believed it too until I realized that my world was not in sync with everyone else’s.

My world, as I saw it then, ended on February 20, 2009, the date of my husband’s passing.  I could not see past that date to any future.  After 59 years of marriage losing your life partner was just too much to digest.  How could I possibly live without him?  As I have stated before, my faith and my children sustained me through the hardest days of my life, and continue to do so to this day.

I did live, and continue to do so, without him by my side.  I speak to him everyday, as I did when he was alive, telling him of my problems, what I accomplished that day, and things that I put aside.  It comforts me, and I believe that he hears me.

Our children all came to Ruidoso to attend the first anniversary mass of his death at our place of worship, St Joseph’s Mescalero Apache Mission in Mescalero, New Mexico.  How he loved that church and its community; when we first attended mass there he told me he felt like he was finally home.  Being there has also helped me to cope, and I believe the congregation  has been a large part of it.

My heart was filled with gratitude and pride when I saw all our family there, not only our children, but sisters, nieces, and brothers-in-law, who drove from El Paso to attend.  My cup runneth over.

After the mass everyone congregated at the church hall, and I had so many people come and speak to me about him.  He used to sing in the choir, and Father Paul, our pastor, commented on the fact that he missed seeing his smiling face every Sunday.

It was a very personalized service, and I will always to grateful for that.

My New Year started that day; I will go forward to the future, praying for the best; keeping his memory alive in my heart, because  he was, after all,  the love of my live.

Hasta La Vista

There is always that sad day after a vacation, when you wake up and decide it is time to return home and to face reality.

I escaped from a week  of snow and ice surrounding me at my home in Ruidoso.  As I have stated before,  I cannot stand the aftermath of a snow storm, the grime and grit that is essential to getting the roads clear and passable.  Right now, across from my house stands a hill about 15 feet high of this same sequel.

I was very happy to see the plows appear and clear the street, including the front of my driveway; but the snow had to be dumped somewhere, and a space across my house provided that needed room.

When I left, the cover over my deck had developed a leak directly at my front door, when I returned it had deteriorated to a full blown emergency, separating it from the main roof, and threatening to completely disintegrate.  The roof of the storage room had also developed a leak and made the walls look like something from a frightening movie set.  As I stated before, the gazebo collapsed under the weight of the snow and ice.  Insurance time took most of one day, but I finally convinced the unseen person that unless I had the roof  fixed, it might collapse over my head as I entered the house.  They promised to send someone that same day.  Good Luck

So reality set in with a bang.  No more leisurely walks along the beach in Jupiter, Florida where I went for a few days with my daughter and son-in-law; no more wonderful delicious fresh seafood dinners at restaurants with far sounding names.  No more wondering what to do with our spare time, go bowling ( we did, disastrously) take in a movie (we did, one which I liked and enjoyed tremendously, but the rest did not) no more sitting on the balcony overlooking the ocean and thinking how my beloved would have loved it.

The winds started the day after we landed, and the swells made for very good wind sailing (for young, strong bodies).  We enjoyed watching them and wondering at their energy and endurance.  The next day the seas were a little bit calmer, and then the surfers came out.  The temperature was in the 70’s, but I know the water was cold.

My trip home was uneventful, once I discovered that my CD player was working O. K. ; it was the disc I inserted that was dirty and would not cooperate and play the music I enjoy on the road.  There are always teary moments when  songs  my hubby loved come on; it is impossible to avoid since he loved music, which was a big part of our lives.

It will be one year next week since his passing.

Hasta la Vista

I have been in hog heaven for the past two weekends; first my two wonderful daughters flew in from Dallas to spend one week end and then my two sisters, one from El Paso, the other from California, came to see me.

Those days are always the hardest for me to spend alone.  That is when my hubby and I did everything around the house and garden, shopped, dined, went to the slots and tried out luck.  We also went out of town every few months, Dallas, El Paso, Albuquerque and Santa Fe.  We loved to explore and try new things, especially new restaurants.

The first week end my daughters and I spent talking, walking, laughing, eating, and shopping.  The days flew by so fast, before I knew it,  they were gone.  I endured the following days because I knew my sisters were coming .

They arrived and we also spent a lot of time reminiscing on the old days, even going back when we were young and still lived at home.  My older sister and I did a lot of things together, once we were so bored when our parents were not home that we took turns taking pictures of each other in different places and quirky poses.  So of course, we took the photo albums out and laughed at ourselves.

I am nine years older than my younger sister, so my thoughts of her were as a baby girl, who took my place in the house as supreme being.  I never envied her that position because I loved her with all my heart, and I still do.

Our conversations also centered on the antics of my beloved,  he was such a card.  We laughed and cried together at some of the comments he was always making.  This has served as a catharsis for my soul.  Speaking of him and remembering him are also a part of healing.   This is not always understood by a majority of people, who think that if they mention his name I will fall apart.  I tend to do this alone, in the privacy of my home.

My sisters and I also spent time in the kitchen, cooking, exchanging recipes, and  helpful hints on easier ways of doing things.  After all, we have a combined total of one hundred sixty seven years of married lives, which gives us quite an edge over newly weds.  Oh, we also talked about different ways of handling our husbands!

My older sister and her husband (who was wonderful by enduring our ceaseless talking) left two days ago, and I will have my younger sister for another week, so I am deliriously happy.  I know that she has an allergy to dog hair, and has been  supportive of my love for my pooch.  He, in turn, tries his best to get her to pet him, doing his one and only trick of sitting up and begging.  It hasn’t happened yet, but maybe on our trip back to El Paso

I will be visiting my children in Dallas the week after she leaves, so will still have plenty of company.

To paraphrase  from one of Dean Martin’s old songs, “How lucky can one gal be?”

Hasta la vista

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I have been getting stronger every day that passes.  There are actually days when I don’t cry, and I go to bed thinking that I must have missed something, perhaps a thought, a phrase, a picture, an item that reminds me of my loss.

There are so many memories, the majority happy ones.  Every once in a while I do remember some sad happenings in our fifty eight years of marriage, but those are the minority; I even smile at some of them, thinking how we overcame them. I grin and even laugh out loud at some of the quirky moments.

Today I cried.  It was over a silly plant that I forgot to bring in, after warnings of the first frost hit our area.  That plant was one which my beloved tendered through sunny and foggy days, one which had significant meaning to him since I had given it to him as a birthday present.

Sago palm is the name, and we first discovered that specie when we lived in California; our Japanese neighbors gave us one as a house warming gift when we first moved in.  We never imagined that the palm would survive anywhere else except in that sunny state.

I was quite surprised to find them blooming in a nursery in the mountains of New Mexico; so knowing how much he enjoyed them, I purchased one.  He was so thrilled and enthralled with their beauty.  I was a witness to the care and love he bestowed on this green plant of nature.

When I remembered it was still outside,  I got out of bed  (it was two in the morning) rushed out, and brought it in.  And then I cried.

My tears were for the possibility of losing it, after he had tended it for so long.  I had already lost him, could I stand another loss, no matter how small?  Would this symbol of his love for nature  survive my neglect?

I have been enduring his departure at a very heavy price, will Mother Nature allow me to have this one vestige of his life to cling to?

Please Lord, let it live.

Hasta la vista

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