Alicia Lopez’s Musings

Posts Tagged ‘moving on

It finally arrived!

After weeks of snow warnings, we awoke this morning to a beautiful white, pristine, winter wonderland.

Not that we got that much, but at my house, it covered the lawn, the parking lot, my car, and all surrounding areas.  It snowed almost all day yesterday, but  very slow, almost grudgingly, as if Mother Nature was still not sure about it.  I estimate about two inches of the white gold dropped, albeit, unwillingly.  If my hubby was still living, he would be faxing our children the great message, “ITS SNOWING!”.  He kept such a message close by the fax machine, almost as if he was urging it to happen. He loved the snow and would go out, as soon as he was able, to take pictures. God, how I miss him.

Ski Apache, our ski resort, received at least 15 inches, and the skiers must be shouting for joy; I know the merchants of the town are doing just that.

Viewing the weather report, northern New Mexico received more than their share, at least two feet were estimated to fall in some areas.

As for myself, I loaded up on books.  My sister and I have a lending library between ourselves, where we exchange books as we read them.  On her last visit she brought me a bag full, so I have plenty to keep me entertained.

My pooch does not like the snow, and keeps trying not to go out.  I have to open the door, and push him out, before he has a chance to retreat.  Once out, he will run out, do his business and return as quickly as possible, to lay in front of the fireplace; “Ah, this is the life, he comments”, in doggy body language.

My physical therapist discharged me this week, so I get to do all the exercises at home.  He gave me three rubberized strips which I am to use.  It took a little bit of time for me to figure out how to do this, I tied one to the leg of my bed, the other to the bedroom door, and kept the third to use  inventfully.  I put this over the door, and use it for my arm exercises; because they are rubberized, I pull against them and really feel it.  If I am snowbound for more than two days, I will develop  arm and leg muscles to put athletes to shame!

It is 7:00 in the morning as I am writing this, and dark as Hades.  I hope the sun comes out soon.

BRR– Hasta la Vista

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I returned home today after a week and a half of traveling.  I spiraled off to Dallas and surrounding areas to visit my daughters and son who live there.

My trip had a double purpose, seeing them, and house and dog sitting.  I enjoyed both tremendously.  The pooches are a couple of six month old Westies, just as cute as they can be.  They are brothers from the same litter, so of course they had to have appropriate names.  After much thought and debate, their names became Niles and Frazier (as from the old Frazier television show).

They are very playful, and thank goodness , they are finally house broken.   As siblings go, they also have quarrels which can become quite noisy.  They learned quickly when grandma said “Stop” they were to end the barking and snarling.  Oh, and grandma also likes to read, so they are not to climb up on her lap or demand petting while she is thus occupied.  Its not very different from teaching your children the rights and wrongs of living.  Stern warnings usually accomplish the task.

I was not prepared for the weather there.  I had been told it was in the 80’s, so I took summer clothing.  When I arrived, a big storm hit, including tornado warnings, and the weather turned cold.  I borrowed my son-in-law’s warm sweat tops, and lived in them for a while.

As usual on my visits, all the family hangs out together, and we celebrated one grandson’s and daughter- in- laws birthdays with a lot of joking and laughing.  I did have a moment  in the bedroom I occupied; one of my beloved’s Greek sailor hats that he wore constantly was on display.  It took that glance to bring on the tears; I can’t help it, they come unexpected and unannounced.

My pooch and I were happy to return home, and begin our lives again.  The weather had turned colder, and we have the glorious golds and reds on the trees  surrounding our village.  Fall is here and winter not too long behind.  I will be considered a traitor when I state that I am not looking forward to it; I love the snow, but cannot drive in it.  The merchants love it, as it signifies the skiers will be arriving. I too will welcome them, from the safety of my easy chair in front of the fireplace.

Hasta la vista

The Puppies

I have been in hog heaven for the past two weekends; first my two wonderful daughters flew in from Dallas to spend one week end and then my two sisters, one from El Paso, the other from California, came to see me.

Those days are always the hardest for me to spend alone.  That is when my hubby and I did everything around the house and garden, shopped, dined, went to the slots and tried out luck.  We also went out of town every few months, Dallas, El Paso, Albuquerque and Santa Fe.  We loved to explore and try new things, especially new restaurants.

The first week end my daughters and I spent talking, walking, laughing, eating, and shopping.  The days flew by so fast, before I knew it,  they were gone.  I endured the following days because I knew my sisters were coming .

They arrived and we also spent a lot of time reminiscing on the old days, even going back when we were young and still lived at home.  My older sister and I did a lot of things together, once we were so bored when our parents were not home that we took turns taking pictures of each other in different places and quirky poses.  So of course, we took the photo albums out and laughed at ourselves.

I am nine years older than my younger sister, so my thoughts of her were as a baby girl, who took my place in the house as supreme being.  I never envied her that position because I loved her with all my heart, and I still do.

Our conversations also centered on the antics of my beloved,  he was such a card.  We laughed and cried together at some of the comments he was always making.  This has served as a catharsis for my soul.  Speaking of him and remembering him are also a part of healing.   This is not always understood by a majority of people, who think that if they mention his name I will fall apart.  I tend to do this alone, in the privacy of my home.

My sisters and I also spent time in the kitchen, cooking, exchanging recipes, and  helpful hints on easier ways of doing things.  After all, we have a combined total of one hundred sixty seven years of married lives, which gives us quite an edge over newly weds.  Oh, we also talked about different ways of handling our husbands!

My older sister and her husband (who was wonderful by enduring our ceaseless talking) left two days ago, and I will have my younger sister for another week, so I am deliriously happy.  I know that she has an allergy to dog hair, and has been  supportive of my love for my pooch.  He, in turn, tries his best to get her to pet him, doing his one and only trick of sitting up and begging.  It hasn’t happened yet, but maybe on our trip back to El Paso

I will be visiting my children in Dallas the week after she leaves, so will still have plenty of company.

To paraphrase  from one of Dean Martin’s old songs, “How lucky can one gal be?”

Hasta la vista

Blog5

I have been getting stronger every day that passes.  There are actually days when I don’t cry, and I go to bed thinking that I must have missed something, perhaps a thought, a phrase, a picture, an item that reminds me of my loss.

There are so many memories, the majority happy ones.  Every once in a while I do remember some sad happenings in our fifty eight years of marriage, but those are the minority; I even smile at some of them, thinking how we overcame them. I grin and even laugh out loud at some of the quirky moments.

Today I cried.  It was over a silly plant that I forgot to bring in, after warnings of the first frost hit our area.  That plant was one which my beloved tendered through sunny and foggy days, one which had significant meaning to him since I had given it to him as a birthday present.

Sago palm is the name, and we first discovered that specie when we lived in California; our Japanese neighbors gave us one as a house warming gift when we first moved in.  We never imagined that the palm would survive anywhere else except in that sunny state.

I was quite surprised to find them blooming in a nursery in the mountains of New Mexico; so knowing how much he enjoyed them, I purchased one.  He was so thrilled and enthralled with their beauty.  I was a witness to the care and love he bestowed on this green plant of nature.

When I remembered it was still outside,  I got out of bed  (it was two in the morning) rushed out, and brought it in.  And then I cried.

My tears were for the possibility of losing it, after he had tended it for so long.  I had already lost him, could I stand another loss, no matter how small?  Would this symbol of his love for nature  survive my neglect?

I have been enduring his departure at a very heavy price, will Mother Nature allow me to have this one vestige of his life to cling to?

Please Lord, let it live.

Hasta la vista

sago

September 10, 1950.

A day that lives in my heart, evoking memories of  a happy event which changed our lives forever.

Today would have been our 59th wedding anniversary.

I think back and remember the excitement we felt, ready to take on the world, for we had each other and nothing could stop us.

Exiting the church, a friend of my new hubby informed him that he had just been recalled into the Navy.  This was the beginning of the Korean War, and so for the first few months of our newly wedded bliss, this little black cloud hung over our heads, as he was also in the Naval Reserve.

Thank heaven the call never came.

So much has changed since that day, it is almost impossible to believe.  We now live in a world of new innovations which did not exist at that time; computers, television, cell phones, newer and newer electronic devises, faster automobiles, heating and cooling  sun powered units, microwave ovens.  How did we ever get along without them?  We even saw man land on the moon! Since then we have witnessed numerous excursions into outer space.

Wrapped up in our lives and the children that followed, we were also very aware of the happenings around us.  We experienced the many events which are now a part of history; the assassination of a President and his brother, and also that of a civil rights icon and many men and women who fought for their rights.

As man is also the worst enemy of man, we have gone through several wars, with more ferocious and destructive weapons.  Will we ever learn?

Life is so short, enjoy every minute of it; turn around and half of your existence is gone.

What I wouldn’t give to have my love here with me, fifty eight years were not nearly enough.

Hasta la vista

100_0601I found myself, for the first time since my beloved died, looking  forward to coming home.

It has been six months.  Each time I returned from a visit to children and relatives, I realized that I was entering the same empty house that I had left, and the pain hit.  It has not lessened, but just the joy of arriving at  the house which we so lovingly tended, helps to ease the eternal feeling of loss.

I gaze with pride at the newly painted deck, the freshly mowed lawn,  and think, this is My house.

Although I have been gearing myself towards selling, sometimes thinking of it gets overwhelming.  Never to enjoy again the feeling of self esteem over the additions that we both made, the office, storage room, the wall papering, painting, the covered wrap around deck, the parquet floor in the kitchen.  They all served to enhance and increase the value of our home.  Offsetting these thoughts are the lonely days and nights, in a village where I have loads of acquaintances, but very few friends.

I don’t know who was most upset , my pooch or I, after finding that deer had eaten all my flowers while we were away.  I consider these four legged creatures my friends, as long as they eat the wild flowers that grow all over the place, but not the little  plants which I so lovingly cared for and tended.  They were blooming profusely when I left, now there are only stumps left.

Today the culprit showed up again.  It was a stag with four point horns; he was getting ready to jump over the fence into our yard, when my great protector sensed him, and flew out in a rage, as far as the steps, from where he barked ferociously.

The stag only stared at him, and stood his ground,until I came out and told him to leave.  He dared me for a bit, but then finally turned around and left. I’m sure he’ll try to get back in and get the rest of the flowers, but we will be on guard.

My visit to our children in Dallas was wonderful, I got to see all of them and had the bonus of seeing my granddaughter, who lives in New York, fly in while I was there.  I met her boyfriend, a very nice young man whom I approve of.  They are talking marriage, and I certainly hope the best for them, for, as the song goes “I’ve had a love of my own”.

Believe it or not, after 30 years since my last bowling game, I went bowling again!  It was with my granddaughter and her sweetie, and we had a roaring good time.  When we went home my son in law informed me that he had a score of 72 at golf, and I retorted that score was our high  at bowling, so you can imagine what our game looked like.

The days are getting shorter, and the feeling of fall is in the air.  I don’t know whether to be happy or sad.

Hasta la vista

Two weeks ago I began a new page in my life; I decided to start a painting project which my hubby and I had put off for a year because of his declining health.  He loved to sit by the window and view the many changes of the day, from dawn to dusk.  He always said “We’ve got to paint the deck, it really needs it”.

All these home upkeeps we did together, me being his assistant.  So it is no wonder that I learned the fundamentals of  building, carpentry, plumbing, painting.  I decided to put this small knowledge to good use and start with the deck.

I assembled all tools required, as I remembered them.  I could feel his presence urging me on when I became discouraged, such as forgetting to have a rag handy for wiping off drops of paint, etc.  Once I stepped on such a drop and had to quickly take off my shoes and clean them before I went in the house.

It has been two weeks, and today was the day I finally put the second coat of paint on all that wood!  All that is needed now is to put the sealer.  I did have some help for the past two weekends, my daughters from Dallas and my sons in law flew in to give me a hand, and of course I always have the presence of the one son who lives locally and always watches over me.  Without them I would not have progressed this far.  I am so lucky to have five children who are always willing to help in one way or another.

I had quite a conversation with some neighbors who dropped by while I was painting.  They were  four deer who stopped to eat some leafs from my trees, and did not mind that I was there.  They continued to feed their bodies while I continued to feed my soul.  I spoke to my husband and asked his opinion on my painting.  I knew he would say that I was doing very well, but was a little bit on the messy side. Those had always been his comments while alive, so why should they change with his passing?

I have started to learn the art of living alone;  I am not quite there yet and still have my moments, but they are beginning to be further apart.  I had never watched daytime television, but I now find myself watching the game shows, such as “The Price is Right”, “Deal of no Deal” etc.  I sometimes fantasize appearing on the shows and winning all that money; I might try it someday.  I don’t think I will act as crazy as some of the contestants, but then , you never know.

My little pooch and I walk the trail around one of the local golf courses every day, and it has turned out to be good exercise for both of us.  We meet all kinds of people and pets, and take the time to speak to them.

So life goes on,  and I am floating along with it.

Hasta la Vista

Sunrise