Alicia Lopez’s Musings

Posts Tagged ‘loss

The name says it all–I don’t know what to call my writings for today, except that.

It started as an ordinary day, being awaken by my faithful alarm clock (my pooch Chico) at 5:30 A. M.  Why go back to bed?

I turned on my computer and started by reading all my e mails, none too important, people trying to sell me things I don’t need or want.  Those that I do answer are all my faithful Publisher’s Clearing House notes which promise to make me a millionaire.  Why not?  Somebody has to win, it might as well be me.

Then I check my bank, want to make sure of what I’ve got, then I go to the fun stuff==Facebook!  Here is where I get to read all the postings of those who are my friends on this wonderful website.  I see their pictures, read their comments, laugh at some and pout at others.  I don’t write anything, except maybe a comment or two on my families postings.  Who would know that someday I would be able to keep up with everyone’s doings, whether they wanted me to or not.  Hey, put it on Facebook and the world knows about it.

I went to the casino and had some good luck; the penny slots were good to me.  Several hours pass and I forget everything except what’s going on in their digital brains.  One game in particular gets my fancy; they are all rock and roll insects who play the guitar, and when you hit the bonus, they all play their hearts away while giving you money.  What a good past time if you don’t overdo it, because sometimes they refuse to come out and play.

I  got home and had some sad news , an old friend passed away.  By old, I don’t mean by age, but by years of knowing him.  He was somewhat instrumental in getting my hubby and me together.  He was a friend to both of us, and eventually we met through his sisters.

We were close at one time, as young married couples tend to be; then our children started to arrive and pulled us in different directions. We met here and there and compared notes, but time slipped away and before we knew it, the Good Lord called them both home; I am sure they will meet again , and be pals as they once were. As Sophocles said “Now let the weeping cease, let no one mourn again, these things are in the hands of God”.

It’s easy to say,  but so hard to do.  Next month will mark the second anniversary of my love’s passing, and I know he is in God’s hands, but I am here by myself, coping as best I can.  Each day is a new beginning, and passes quite quickly.  I don’t know where my life is heading, but I want to be fully aware of it when it does.

Assure your families that they are loved, over and over again.

Hasta la Vista

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Happy New Year, Feliz Ano Nuevo!

Today marks the beginning of a new book,  page one , chapter one,  in our lives.  What we write on it, and the consequences will be up to us.

I hope that what I assemble will be hopeful and courageous, with a little bit of humor thrown in.  Hopeful in the sense that my life will be worth something  more other than just breathing, surely the good Lord kept me on this earth for a good reason. Courageous with a sense that I will be able to handle whatever comes my way with my normal sense of humor to sustain me.

This February will mark the second anniversary of my hubby’s passing, and I can see the difference in my life.  I still feel the loneliness, but that, I am told, will never go away, just diminish in strength.  I have done so many things I never did before, to the smallest of tasks (putting W D 40 on the hinges of my doors) to the largest (actually driving in the snow with all the advice I had gotten from my hubby in the past) to the mundane ( surviving a black out with candles all over the house).

For someone who had all the above, and everything else,  done by my spouse, I am a little proud of myself.  I know he certainly would be.

One thing that I wish I had paid more attention to is the upkeep of the car.  I wish I knew more about the mysterious workings of the engine, and all its components.  I have told the guys at my work to teach their spouses more about this, so if they ever find themselves in my situation they will be more knowledgeable; but as usual, this is something that they find falls in their domain.

I find myself thankful that I was my hubby’s helper in all his projects around the house, I know what each tool is for, and how to use it.  I am also very thankful for the son who lives here, who has taken over as my handyman.  He too learned a lot from his Dad while helping him with the bigger tasks.

I am also thankful for the companionship of my pooch, Chico, who is such a comfort to me.  People who do not have pets will not understand the strength you derive from the love and devotion of a furry little animal.  He is the one who faithfully waits for me by the door, who guards the house, who is there as either a sounding or a crying board, putting his paw on me, as if to say “I understand”.

While my life is not completely full,  it is still undergoing some of the growth that I know I will eventually have.  I will welcome and wait for it, for as long as it takes.

I am thankful for my health, my faith, my children, and my extended family.  These all help to fill the void.

Hasta La Vista

Today marks the twenty first month since my hubby’s passing.

It is the beginning of a ritual of counting months that started on that day.  I thought that if I could survive that first month, I would be on my way of learning to live alone.  It has been a very long process, and sometimes I wondered if I could make it.

The human body and mind has a resilience unmatched by none.  In the face of adversity and loss, it is still able to function, albeit at a lesser pace, but function it does. Look at me, twenty one months later I am still around, and still kicking.  The sense of loss never leaves, but I have learned to live with it.

I have learned that I can still share thoughts and ideas with my hubby, in the silence of  our home which we both loved, and which is filled with memories; the Greek fishermen’s caps which he wore constantly, his collection of music, even his eyeglasses which he kept by our bed,on a funny big nose stand.

When I leave the house, those memories stay behind, to be supplemented by normal everyday occurances.  My job keeps me busy, my mind expands with the meeting of new people, and new occurances.  I have never lost my sense of humor, but it seems to be rejuvenating.

I look forward to the coming holidays; our village has begun to decorate the main street with dazzling silver boughs and the local merchants have placed the white shimmering lights on their stores, and as the song goes, “It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas”.

For the first time in several years, I will have my three sons here with me for  this weekend; only the sons without my daughters in law .  It will be different, but nice. 

Next week, my daughter, son in law, and grandson from Dallas will be here for the Thanksgiving holiday,  the son who lives here and my small grandson will be present also; my cup runneth over.

The past holidays are just that, past and gone.  Time marchs on, and I have to march along with it.  So, start those drum rolls, begin the beat, and watch me strut.

Hasta la Vista

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could turn the clock back, just like we do every fall?  Of course, you would have to choose how far back to go, an hour, a day, a year?

In my fantasies, I would go back at least ten years, when my hubby was still in good health, when he and I thought we had the world in our hands.  We had good jobs, good health, a fantastic bevy of grown children, and we could look forward to growing old together.

Of course, old was not a word my hubby believed in.  He always thought and acted young, and I was swept along with him.  We were so sure we had earned the place where we then stood, and we enjoyed every minute of it.

Then was then, and now is now.  You cannot turn back time, and only memories keep it alive.  I have plenty of those, and sometimes when I’m not even thinking, they crop up at unbidden times.

For example, I found tears in my eyes when I witnessed my wonderful boss busily opening a package which contained a new tool he had purchased, and it reminded me of the joy that my hubby took in any new tool he acquired.  I had a lump in my throat when he came back from a trip and handed his wife a gift he brought to her; there were many times in my life when I had the same happiness of knowing I was always in my hubby’s thoughts.

I find myself envying an older couple holding hands; that could have been us.  I have gone up to total strangers and told them how lucky they are, and not to take anything for granted.

With the holidays coming up, more and more memories will appear, I do not dread them; I even look forward to enjoying most of them. This year the traditional Thanksgiving will not happen, as two of my children who live in Dallas cannot come to Ruidoso to be with us, and the son who lives in El Paso will celebrate with his wife’s family this year.  I will still have two children and their families to keep me company.  Two is much better than none.

Happy Thanksgiving to all.

Hasta la Vista

Have you ever come to a crossroads in your life, pausing and looking right and left, wondering which road is your destiny?

I have come to that exact spot and am a little “bothered and bewildered” as the song states.  My predicament stems from the question , should I sell my house and move back to my hometown of El Paso, or should I stay and brave the loneliness, and uncertainty of my life as it stands now?

My husband and I loved our life here in Ruidoso, but since his death I have found myself doubting my existence in this beautiful peace of earth.  I visit my children in Dallas and El Paso, and love my stay there, but the missing link is still back home among the peaceful pines.  I miss the calm, the serenity, the beauty and my house; but most of all, I miss my hubby.  Would it be different anywhere else?  It has been seventeen months since his passing, and each day brings me closer to that decision.  Financially, I would be better off by selling, but spiritually, I’m not sure.

I have spent the last few weeks painting and sprucing up the house, with the help of the son who lives here.  My biggest regret in selling would be leaving him here; he has taken his Dad’s place as my handyman, and  daily support system.

The house has not been put up for sale, but word of mouth has brought several people to see it.  Hope is eternal, and if it is God’s will, then it will happen.  I place myself at his mercy.

The weather has been wonderful, we are getting some rain almost every day, so the forest is at its pristine best.  The days are cool, the temperature drops about 20 degrees after the moisture from heaven, so when I see the weather reports from around the country, I am so happy I am at this place at this time .

My hometown beckons to me, I have two sisters there, a son, and countless livelong friends; I also have my hubby at the Fort Bliss National Cemetary.  Here in the cool pines I have many acquaintances, but very few friends.   Do you see my predicament?

Hasta La Vista

I don’t really care if the groundhog saw his shadow to signify more winter comings.

I have just seen the earth beginning to sprout with what will be the rejuvenation of some of my flowerbeds.  I now know what John Denver meant when he sang “Rocky Mountain High”.  My Ruidoso High sent my spirits soaring; Spring is really coming and will be here before too long.

After the long winter we have had, just this sign brought joy to my heart. The aftermath of the last snow is still evident on the north part of my street where the sun never shines; the once beautiful snow has turned to a huge glob of  ice and it will take many more days of warmth to melt it.  I don’t care, I can wait.

The days have been beautiful, and I am not even listening to the weather reports for fear that they will report another winter low system.  Let me enjoy my moment.

With the warmer weather arriving I am also prepping for several events which are in the near future .  One of the biggest being the bridal shower being planned in Dallas for my one and only grand daughter who will be married in May, wearing my wedding gown,  which was also worn by her mother.  If this is not the culmination of seeing “your children’s children” which is part of the Catholic wedding ceremony, then I don’t know what is.

It is at times such as these that I miss my hubby most of all.  We were supposed to share all these experiences, and although he did get to see “his children’s children”, he did not live to see them married. He would have reveled with the pure joy of it, and perhaps we would have reminisced about our own wedding, 59 years ago.

There is a song in Spanish called “Como Han Pasado Los Anos” which translated means, how the years have gone by.  We used to dance to it on our anniversaries, reliving the good and putting aside the bad.  It will always be in my heart.

On to the future, with the wedding to be in New York where our granddaughter lives; I am already excited, not only for the nuptials, but to visit the Big Apple again.  It is such a vibrant city, and yes, it seems like it never sleeps.  I almost feel like kicking my heels and strutting.  Don’t worry, before I do, I will exercise a bit; don’t want to pull anything out of joint.

Hasta La Vista

Almost the entire world believes that the New Year starts on January 1.  I believed it too until I realized that my world was not in sync with everyone else’s.

My world, as I saw it then, ended on February 20, 2009, the date of my husband’s passing.  I could not see past that date to any future.  After 59 years of marriage losing your life partner was just too much to digest.  How could I possibly live without him?  As I have stated before, my faith and my children sustained me through the hardest days of my life, and continue to do so to this day.

I did live, and continue to do so, without him by my side.  I speak to him everyday, as I did when he was alive, telling him of my problems, what I accomplished that day, and things that I put aside.  It comforts me, and I believe that he hears me.

Our children all came to Ruidoso to attend the first anniversary mass of his death at our place of worship, St Joseph’s Mescalero Apache Mission in Mescalero, New Mexico.  How he loved that church and its community; when we first attended mass there he told me he felt like he was finally home.  Being there has also helped me to cope, and I believe the congregation  has been a large part of it.

My heart was filled with gratitude and pride when I saw all our family there, not only our children, but sisters, nieces, and brothers-in-law, who drove from El Paso to attend.  My cup runneth over.

After the mass everyone congregated at the church hall, and I had so many people come and speak to me about him.  He used to sing in the choir, and Father Paul, our pastor, commented on the fact that he missed seeing his smiling face every Sunday.

It was a very personalized service, and I will always to grateful for that.

My New Year started that day; I will go forward to the future, praying for the best; keeping his memory alive in my heart, because  he was, after all,  the love of my live.

Hasta La Vista