Alicia Lopez’s Musings

NEW TEARS

Posted on: September 24, 2009

I have been getting stronger every day that passes.  There are actually days when I don’t cry, and I go to bed thinking that I must have missed something, perhaps a thought, a phrase, a picture, an item that reminds me of my loss.

There are so many memories, the majority happy ones.  Every once in a while I do remember some sad happenings in our fifty eight years of marriage, but those are the minority; I even smile at some of them, thinking how we overcame them. I grin and even laugh out loud at some of the quirky moments.

Today I cried.  It was over a silly plant that I forgot to bring in, after warnings of the first frost hit our area.  That plant was one which my beloved tendered through sunny and foggy days, one which had significant meaning to him since I had given it to him as a birthday present.

Sago palm is the name, and we first discovered that specie when we lived in California; our Japanese neighbors gave us one as a house warming gift when we first moved in.  We never imagined that the palm would survive anywhere else except in that sunny state.

I was quite surprised to find them blooming in a nursery in the mountains of New Mexico; so knowing how much he enjoyed them, I purchased one.  He was so thrilled and enthralled with their beauty.  I was a witness to the care and love he bestowed on this green plant of nature.

When I remembered it was still outside,  I got out of bed  (it was two in the morning) rushed out, and brought it in.  And then I cried.

My tears were for the possibility of losing it, after he had tended it for so long.  I had already lost him, could I stand another loss, no matter how small?  Would this symbol of his love for nature  survive my neglect?

I have been enduring his departure at a very heavy price, will Mother Nature allow me to have this one vestige of his life to cling to?

Please Lord, let it live.

Hasta la vista

sago

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2 Responses to "NEW TEARS"

As always, I am moved by your words.

You are right about the tears – at times a random thought or phrase will bring them on.

Do you remember when we were at the buffett a couple of weekends ago? I don’t even recall what I said, but you replied with a simple “yes.” And the memory of Dad replying to me with the same word and with the same inflection hit me with a jolt.
It was as if he was speaking.

And the tears came.

I, too, hope the plant lives.

Love, Sib

Auntie. I know exactly what you mean. 2 weeks ago I had to put my beloved Harley down. He had cancer and was not doing well. It happened very quickly, or rather he never let me know he wasn’t feeling well until it was too late. Another link to Carlos gone, and this is over 4 years later and I miss them both as if it were yesterday.

Love you. Take care.

Norm

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