Alicia Lopez’s Musings

Archive for September 2009

I have been getting stronger every day that passes.  There are actually days when I don’t cry, and I go to bed thinking that I must have missed something, perhaps a thought, a phrase, a picture, an item that reminds me of my loss.

There are so many memories, the majority happy ones.  Every once in a while I do remember some sad happenings in our fifty eight years of marriage, but those are the minority; I even smile at some of them, thinking how we overcame them. I grin and even laugh out loud at some of the quirky moments.

Today I cried.  It was over a silly plant that I forgot to bring in, after warnings of the first frost hit our area.  That plant was one which my beloved tendered through sunny and foggy days, one which had significant meaning to him since I had given it to him as a birthday present.

Sago palm is the name, and we first discovered that specie when we lived in California; our Japanese neighbors gave us one as a house warming gift when we first moved in.  We never imagined that the palm would survive anywhere else except in that sunny state.

I was quite surprised to find them blooming in a nursery in the mountains of New Mexico; so knowing how much he enjoyed them, I purchased one.  He was so thrilled and enthralled with their beauty.  I was a witness to the care and love he bestowed on this green plant of nature.

When I remembered it was still outside,  I got out of bed  (it was two in the morning) rushed out, and brought it in.  And then I cried.

My tears were for the possibility of losing it, after he had tended it for so long.  I had already lost him, could I stand another loss, no matter how small?  Would this symbol of his love for nature  survive my neglect?

I have been enduring his departure at a very heavy price, will Mother Nature allow me to have this one vestige of his life to cling to?

Please Lord, let it live.

Hasta la vista

sago

Me?  On steroids?

Never in a million years would I have believed it, until last week when my doctor advised me he was placing me on some for a week.

This all evolved after I finished the massive job of re-painting the deck.  I felt fine, no problem.  Two weeks after the last strokes were taken, my back began to hurt.  It continued for a week until I finally decided I had better see a doctor, maybe I had wrenched it with all the bending, or, horrors of horrors, maybe I had a tumor!  All these thoughts kept me sleepless until I saw him two days later.

First thing he asked me was “What have you been doing?”  After relating my story, he stated he suspected I had been up to something which was uncommon to me.   All the bending and twisting had put too much strain on my latent-loaded back; so he prescribed muscle relaxants and a pain killer, with a cortisone shot as dessert.  They worked well, the pain went away, and I was happy.

This lasted two weeks, then all of a sudden, I found that I could not walk without  pain in my right leg and hip.  I tried the magic muscle relaxants, but they refused to help.  Since the long Labor Day Holiday was approaching, I called the doctor on Friday, and he ordered the steroids for me.  My first thought was, will I get real big muscles on my arms, will my legs expand to where I can not wear long pants, will I get dependent on them?  Thinking of all the athletes and their problems with steroids did not give me a big feeling of confidence.  They were only prescribed for six days, so that wasn’t too bad.

Tomorrow will be the last day; they have to be taken on diminishing amounts.  They have helped considerably, the only complaint I had is that I couldn’t do anything.  The leg pain was so bad, even the lightest of tasks seemed to be too much; me, who could go all day without stopping, was now a very close friend of the couch.

My pooch was quite upset with me, I could no longer take him on our daily walks.  He did his best to remind me of them, jumping up and down , running to his leash, sitting and begging, all to no avail.

I have read three books, dozens of  magazines, watched television, and pouted.  I also played countless games of Scrabble against my computer.  It beat me several times , using words I had never heard of  until I got smart and discovered the “hint” column.  This gave me access to its built in dictionary, and I finally was able to get even.  Is this considered cheating?  Not in my present state of mind.

I also visited the local casinos, where I could sit and get some entertainment.

Today I thought I would write on my blog, not only to keep in touch, but to keep from going crazy.

Monday I had X rays taken, and the wonderful doctor who runs that department at our local hospital, and who was my hubby’s radiologist, gave me the results.  He came to me, smiled, and said he had bad news.  He told me I was getting old.  I told him I had some suspicions, and he had just confirmed them.

For starters, the beginning of arthritis in my hip, mal-alignment of the spinal column, wearing of the “cushions” between the spinal cords, etc.  I was just happy that I did not have a tumor, or some horrible disease.  Old age I can take.

Some therapy and mild prescriptions are on the way.  I can happily say that I felt good enough today to start shampooing the rugs.

Well, I can’t spend all day on the couch, or at the casino.  One wears away my bottom, and the other my pocket book.

Hasta la vista

woman_on_steroids

September 10, 1950.

A day that lives in my heart, evoking memories of  a happy event which changed our lives forever.

Today would have been our 59th wedding anniversary.

I think back and remember the excitement we felt, ready to take on the world, for we had each other and nothing could stop us.

Exiting the church, a friend of my new hubby informed him that he had just been recalled into the Navy.  This was the beginning of the Korean War, and so for the first few months of our newly wedded bliss, this little black cloud hung over our heads, as he was also in the Naval Reserve.

Thank heaven the call never came.

So much has changed since that day, it is almost impossible to believe.  We now live in a world of new innovations which did not exist at that time; computers, television, cell phones, newer and newer electronic devises, faster automobiles, heating and cooling  sun powered units, microwave ovens.  How did we ever get along without them?  We even saw man land on the moon! Since then we have witnessed numerous excursions into outer space.

Wrapped up in our lives and the children that followed, we were also very aware of the happenings around us.  We experienced the many events which are now a part of history; the assassination of a President and his brother, and also that of a civil rights icon and many men and women who fought for their rights.

As man is also the worst enemy of man, we have gone through several wars, with more ferocious and destructive weapons.  Will we ever learn?

Life is so short, enjoy every minute of it; turn around and half of your existence is gone.

What I wouldn’t give to have my love here with me, fifty eight years were not nearly enough.

Hasta la vista

100_0601I found myself, for the first time since my beloved died, looking  forward to coming home.

It has been six months.  Each time I returned from a visit to children and relatives, I realized that I was entering the same empty house that I had left, and the pain hit.  It has not lessened, but just the joy of arriving at  the house which we so lovingly tended, helps to ease the eternal feeling of loss.

I gaze with pride at the newly painted deck, the freshly mowed lawn,  and think, this is My house.

Although I have been gearing myself towards selling, sometimes thinking of it gets overwhelming.  Never to enjoy again the feeling of self esteem over the additions that we both made, the office, storage room, the wall papering, painting, the covered wrap around deck, the parquet floor in the kitchen.  They all served to enhance and increase the value of our home.  Offsetting these thoughts are the lonely days and nights, in a village where I have loads of acquaintances, but very few friends.

I don’t know who was most upset , my pooch or I, after finding that deer had eaten all my flowers while we were away.  I consider these four legged creatures my friends, as long as they eat the wild flowers that grow all over the place, but not the little  plants which I so lovingly cared for and tended.  They were blooming profusely when I left, now there are only stumps left.

Today the culprit showed up again.  It was a stag with four point horns; he was getting ready to jump over the fence into our yard, when my great protector sensed him, and flew out in a rage, as far as the steps, from where he barked ferociously.

The stag only stared at him, and stood his ground,until I came out and told him to leave.  He dared me for a bit, but then finally turned around and left. I’m sure he’ll try to get back in and get the rest of the flowers, but we will be on guard.

My visit to our children in Dallas was wonderful, I got to see all of them and had the bonus of seeing my granddaughter, who lives in New York, fly in while I was there.  I met her boyfriend, a very nice young man whom I approve of.  They are talking marriage, and I certainly hope the best for them, for, as the song goes “I’ve had a love of my own”.

Believe it or not, after 30 years since my last bowling game, I went bowling again!  It was with my granddaughter and her sweetie, and we had a roaring good time.  When we went home my son in law informed me that he had a score of 72 at golf, and I retorted that score was our high  at bowling, so you can imagine what our game looked like.

The days are getting shorter, and the feeling of fall is in the air.  I don’t know whether to be happy or sad.

Hasta la vista